Last Monday, our Weekly Advice blog post featured the nine characteristics that predict relationship success. This week, we conclude with Randi Gunther, a clinical psychologist and marriage counselor, findings on the seven characteristics that often strain a relationship over time .
Victimization:
Bad things happen to everyone. True hardship should elicit compassion. But some people seem to have unending heartbreaks. They don't seem to have anything else to share but their latest sorrow.
When someone describes every experience in terms of constant emergencies, losses, frustrations, or disappointments, he or she can be hard to listen to over time. That is especially true if there is no satisfaction or joy to compensate.
Even when those experiences are legitimate, those people who feel chronically victimized by life often eventually conclude that no one really cares.
You will know when you're with a chronic victim when you experience compassion and the need to bolt at the same time.
"No matter how much I try to help him, he's always got one more problem."
"I feel so guilty when I run out of patience with her."
Neediness:
Most partners enjoy meeting their lovers' needs. However, when overwhelming needs are presented with entitlement, their once eager partners begin to feel inadequate. Over time, they stop expressing their own needs so as not to burden their always-empty partners. No intimate relationship can survive a one-sided obligation forever.
Most partners will eventually resent the constant demands for attention and support, and start seeing their lovers' needs as illegitimate. The needy person then feels invalidated, increasing their needs even more.
You will know you're with a needy person if you begin to feel inadequate and that your own desires are not as important.
"I feel like I'm burdening him if I need anything."
"I love her, but I just can't keep solving all these problems."
Domination:
People into power want to win at any cost, and to control the outcome. They can be exciting initially because of their comfort with being on top. If they have desirable attributes, you may overlook their orchestration of situations for their own benefit for a while.
When they start controlling their partners, they are not as attractive. Needing to win every argument, convinced that they know more than anyone, or unwilling to give up directing the show, they can seem heavy-handed and uncaring.
Dominating people are rarely willing to let anyone else be in charge. They can easily run over people, and are not team players.
You will know when you're with a dominating person when you have a different opinion.
"He's a lot of fun if you never argue with his opinion"
"She's usually a caring person but she needs to run the show."
Negativity:
Chronically negative people are pessimistic and cynical. They believe their past relationships were never worth the time they put into them, and that nothing they do has ever really worked out the way they wanted it to.
They artfully escape any attempts to cheer them up. They seem painfully wed to their state of sorrow and are too frightened to give up their negative expectations.
Naturally optimistic people are often drawn to negative people, wanting so much to alleviate their sadness. They feel they have enough joy to give them hope again. Initially, the negative person may seem to be better, but will eventually invalidate whatever suggestions or help they are offered.
You will know when you're with a negative person when you realize you've heard nothing positive during the entire encounter.
"She's really beautiful, but what a downer."
"I've tried everything I know to cheer him up, but his pessimism always wins."
Entitlement:
Entitlement is often a relationship destroyer. Entitled people feel that others should serve them, and that they are exempt from the rules. They believe that others are there to make sure they get what they want.
Entitled people often order people around and criticize anyone who does not do things according to their dictates. They can initially be charming but quickly become irate when their wants are denied. It is not unusual to find them yelling at waiters, demanding privileged parking places, or dismissing "incompetent" people with loud, critical comments.
You will know when you are with a person who feels entitled when you are embarrassed at the way he or she treats others.
"I felt so embarrassed when he humiliated that waiter."
"She can't stand anyone who doesn't put her first."
Performers:
Performers are people who hog the limelight and turn their partners into audiences. They get bored easily if anyone else is center stage, and they are easily wounded when their partners are not impressed with them. If they are blessed with charm and physical attractiveness, they can hold their audiences for long periods before their egocentricity is recognized.
Performers can take a back seat for short periods of time if they are entertained or out-performed. Eventually they need the accolades that go with being the center of attention, and will disconnect if they can't get it back. They usually blame their audiences if the show is not well-received.
You will know when you're with a performer when the conversation will always be about him or her.
"I enjoy her company but sometimes I get tired of just listening."
"It's pretty clear to everyone he's pissed when he's not holding court."
Evasiveness:
People who are evasive would make great spies. They have the ability to learn a great deal about their dates without revealing anything meaningful about themselves. They can appear initially as shy, contemplative, or even good listeners. But when inquired of, they turn the conversation back to their partner and stay hidden. They put the pressure on others to carry the conversation and to figure out what is happening.
Evasive people can get by for a while with well-timed minimal interactions. But when their partners actually ask direct questions, their unwillingness to reveal is exposed. They will change the subject, misinterpret the question, or challenge the right of the questioner to ask, thereby putting the responsibility for risking back in the hands of the now-branded inquisitor.
You will know when you're with an evasive person when you realize at the end of the encounter that you are the only one exposed.
"I thought he was the strong and silent type. I wonder if he has anything important to say."
"She sure knows how to get me to talk. I feel a little naked."
