Cleveland Singles Scene by It's Just Lunch

A new study: women need a little more time to know they’re in love

A recent study of 1,500 men and 1,500 women showed that 20% of guys fell in love at first sight, with nearly half of them saying they were head over heels in love after just one date. However, only 10% of women stated they have fallen in love at first sight with the majority stating they didn’t know it was “the real thing” until after six dates.

In the survey, researchers found that men were checking off boxes dealing with attractiveness as an important factor of being in love, whereas women checked off a combination of boxes and weighed the pros and cons of many different factors.

On average, males stated they had fallen in love three times whereas women averaged only once. A commonality between both sexes? They both declared that their first love was the one heartbreak that took the longest to get over.

"Renee was the best match yet and probably the best first date I've ever been on!"

“She was great! Renee was adventurous, funny, smart and upbeat…I liked her spunky personality. She was the best match yet and probably the best first date I’ve ever been on!”-Tim, 41

“Tim was very nice and I honestly had a really nice time meeting him. We had a good conversation, common interests and I liked that he was family oriented. He emailed me this morning saying he had a nice time meeting me last night, I look forward to our 2^nd date!”-Renee, 36

Remember, it's just lunch!

We had a great conversation with one of our clients today that had been on 5 dates with us so far and really enjoying her experience. Melissa had told a couple of her co-workers about our service and they both called today to set up interviews with a Director. A comment she shared was very encouraging and we wanted to share it with our fellow blog readers:

“I think it’s important for single women (and men) to be open to every possibility of meeting someone. You never know when, where or how you’ll meet “the one”. Especially with how busy I am with my career and my kids, I like that you guys take the time to find me a match and arrange the date. All I have to worry about is picking out a cute outfit and to have fun!”

We agree with Melissa! Dating nowadays can be difficult and time-consuming. And while dating can be fun, it can be frustrating. It’s important to be open to every opportunity and keep a positive attitude. Even if the date doesn’t turn into “the one”, you still nothing to lose when you meet someone new.  And when you date with us, remember….it’s just lunch.

Why it's important to look at the current state of your relationship....

So you’re dating someone…do you ever wonder what the quality of your relationship will be in 5 years? 20 years? 50 years? A new study published in The Journal of Family Issues states you just have to look at the current state of your relationship.

A study was conducted by professors from a number of universities in the United States and they interviewed over 2,000 married men and women of different ages over the course of 20 years (started in 1980) and observed that the “conflict level” in their relationship remains steady throughout the course of their relationship/marriage. The study explains that if you rarely argue, there’s a good chance you won’t be fighting with your significant other down the road. And if you’re constantly bickering at the beginning of your relationship…you’ll probably be bickering after years of marriage.

That’s not to say that conflict in a relationship is a bad thing. The research also stated that some conflict is a good thing with couples; you need to work through your disagreements.  If you never argue, it could be a sign that you’re not invested in the other person or the marriage.

For more information on the study, click here.

"We had so much to talk about!"

“My date with Scott was great. He was a great match and more outgoing and easy to talk too than previous matches. We both love football, he’s outdoorsy and we just had a lot in common. We had so much to talk about we didn’t even touch on those ‘first date” topics’.”-Amy, 27

“The date with Laura went really well and we’ve been seeing each other the past few nights even. I’m taking her to dinner and a baseball game on Saturday and then on Sunday we have plans to see a movie.” Kurt, 42

How to handle those pre-first date jitters

Pre-first date jitters happen to all of us. It’s completely normal to be a little nervous before you walk into the restaurant to meet your date. To help with those first date butterflies, we’ve compiled some tips for you:

-Don’t forget to smile

-Have a few “date outfits” in your closet. Show them to your friends, get their opinion and you’ll feel way more confident and it’s nice to have a “go-to” outfit waiting for you!

-Have a feel-good playlist that you can listen to while you’re getting ready or driving to your date....the good tunes will help put you in a great mood!

-Have a good friend text you some words of encouragement

-Breathe.

-Take the time beforehand to think of interesting conversation topics in case you need to eliminate some moments of awkward silence. Keep up those current events!

-If you’re a client, review your notes about your match before you go into the date so their details are fresh in your mind and you have a good jumping off point of conversation

-Watch how much you drink. A glass of wine can certainly help calm those butterflies, but too many drinks does not help you put your best foot forward. A good rule of thumb? Stick to a two drink limit.

-Remember, it’s just a first date. It’s just lunch. Enjoy the company across the table from you and just focus on if you’d like to see them for 2^nd date...not if he/she will make a good husband/wife, if you can seem them fitting in with your friends, if their job can support a family, etc. Just enjoy it!

How to make it a GREAT date

Have a date coming up? Check out Bobbi Palmer’s tips on nine things you can do at the beginning of the date to make it a positive experience:

   Go in with the “I hope I like him” attitude. We usually approach meeting men with the “I hope he likes me” feeling. Start with whether he seems to be someone you like. This stops you from trying to read his mind and focuses you on what really counts: how you feel being with him.

  Find three things you like about him. Fight your habit to lead with the negative. Find reasons he can be ON your list rather than why you should check him off. It can be his timeliness, his smile, the restaurant he chose; what do you like about him?

  Compliment him. There’s a chance he’s nervous and feeling a little funky. Give him a sincere compliment early on to start off on a positive note. This will help him loosen up and, besides, it’s just nice!

  Think of it as practice. Every meeting is practice that brings you closer to Mr. I Love You. Statistically, your date won’t turn out to be him. So what? Here’s a chance to learn more about dating, men and yourself. After each date, jot down what you learned and apply that next time. See how no date is a waste?

  Dump your agenda. Don’t let it ruin your time if, in the first 10 minutes, he doesn’t appear to be your man. Just relax and be open to what comes up. You never know; you may just let yourself relax into a very nice feeling.

  Ask the right questions. It’s important to stay positive and put your best food forward. Avoid questions that lead to negative chatter. “So how’s the online dating thing going for you?” stings of the negative. How about “I liked what you said on the phone about [fill-in-the-blank]…I’d love to hear more.”

  Quiet those dang gremlins. We all have them: the voices that tell us we aren’t good enough or it’s not worth it. When these voices rear their ugly heads, take a deep breath and tell yourself “this is an opportunity I don’t want to miss.” (There are very effective ways you can learn to manage your gremlins and limiting beliefs. I can help you with that.)

  Let go of control. You are there to talk and listen to your date, not yourself. Your over-thinking and analyzing will exhaust you. Grab your grownup girl and remind her that you can’t read minds and there are two people involved here. Stop and pay attention to the man sitting in front of you. If you don’t, you may completely miss the man of your dreams.

  Be kind and practice empathy. He has fears and insecurities just like you. Don’t get hung up on some little thing he does that you instantly determine you just can’t live with. Consider why he’s doing it and if it truly is a deal breaker

 

For more of Bobbi's advice on dating, check out more information here.

The icing on the cake....

 

Our matchmaking team coordinated a date for Drew (48) and Maggie (44) last Friday night. Their date lasted six hours! Maggie stated that “Drew was the best match yet and I’ve had some great dates! He is accomplished yet humble and the kindest person. He was good looking too! We talked on Saturday and Sunday and planning to see each other this week.” Drew was also very happy with the date, “The date with Maggie was fabulous! We went downtown afterwards. She’s fun, adorable, beautiful and smart! I’m just thrilled. I’m looking forward to our second date tomorrow night.”

The icing on the cake? Both Maggie and Drew called today…they’re putting their membership on hold while they get to know each other better. We love it!

Are you ready for a relationship?

We recently had a great woman, Laura, join It’s Just Lunch, she’s in her 30’s, never married, smart, confident, and beautiful and admitted she was “tired of being picked up at the bar”. During her interview with her Director, she admitted she was nervous about joining It’s Just Lunch but decided to come in for an interview after her best friend emailed her an article titled “25 Signs You’re Ready for a Relationship” from the online blog dedicated to articles on love, dating and relationships, YourTango.

Laura read through the article and found that many of the testimonials applied to her and she decided to be pro-active about her dating life. Laura emailed us the article today and thanked us for a great first date with Brian. She’s meeting Steve in a couple days and we can’t wait to send her out on more fun, first dates!

Our office read over the article and our favorites include:

#24--You know your turn-ons. When you know what turns you on, what brings you pleasure and you aren't afraid to go after it, it's a good sign you're ready to share love with someone else. The key to this is honoring that you are deserving of pleasure whether you are with someone or not and recognizing that all types of sensual pleasure—the foods you eat, the smells around you, a cool shower on a hot day—keep you vibrant and alive.
- Melissa Fritchle

#17--You're self-confident. Self-confidence is the key to knowing that you're ready for love (it's also the most powerful aphrodisiac). When you take pride in yourself and you are clear about your own worth—that is when you'll be able to attract someone who honors you and himself in a healthy relationship.
- Shoshana Bennett

#12--You smile a lot. Notice the next time you see your reflection. No matter what you might be wearing or if it is a good hair day or not, is the reflection you catch a glimpse of is one that makes you smile? When you catch yourself smiling more than making comment, excuse or judgment, then you know you accept yourself unconditionally—and are ready to do the same for another, too.
- Karen Kleinwort

#9--You're OK being single.  If you can say "I am OK without a relationship," then you're ready for one! You're OK being single—not in a resigned or defeated way. It's more about one have a deep knowing of who you are, your purpose and that while you desire love, you won't allow yourself to be miserable while you're single.
- Alanna Levenson

#8--You've tossed your list. I know my clients are ready for love when they don't come to a session with a ridged set of expectations and a laundry list of must-haves and deal breakers. They simply want to find someone wonderful to love and share their life with.
- Julianne Cantarella, MSW, LSW

#2--You complete yourself. You know you are ready for a relationship when you don't need a relationship to feel happy and worthy, when you want a relationship to share your love rather than to get love, when loving yourself and sharing your love is more important to you than having control over getting love. When you want a relationship to deepen your growth rather than to fill your emptiness, you are ready.
- Margaret Paul

To read the rest of the article, click here. Are you feeling like Laura? Give us a call today!

What to say (and not say) to a single friend

What NOT to Say:

1. "What ever happened to your ex, so-and-so? He was so great!"

C’mon, ladies! Either your single friend got dumped, and chances are she doesn't want a nagging reminder, or she broke it off with him, in which case you've now got her wondering if she's made a catastrophic decision and will die alone underneath a pile of empty Lean Cuisine trays. Regret is the natural enemy of your unmarried friends, so don't push her headfirst into the abyss of "What if?"

2. "You don't have to get married, you know. Plenty of women don't!" 

Ah, true. Plenty of women around the world also lack indoor plumbing...shall I try that, too? Yes, it’s true, plenty of women don’t get married. But if your single friend is lusting for a Mrs., and you tell her she's fine as a Miss, all she'll hear is: "Well, odds are that you won't get your happy ending anyway!"

3. "He didn't open the car door??" (or a similar gripe about your single friend's new guy) 

Nothing's worse than having a rosy romance bubble burst by a naysaying BFF. If someone picked apart your courtship with your husband, it would not be the stuff of legends, either. Unless he's a serial killer or an unemployed mime, cut your singleton some slack, and try to be supportive of her.

4. "Couples party!"

When you're not in a relationship, the entire planet seems to be designed with married folks in mind, so throwing a couples-only event or dinner party can make your hubbyless friend feel even more isolated. Instead of excluding her, ask the men to invite unattached guy friends, or at the very least, let her bring other single friends.

5. "You’re the fun, single friend! Go ahead and tell everyone at the table about your crazy adventures and what it’s like to juggle five men!" 

Sometimes a single girl may feel terrified that her married friends won't like her anymore if she arrives to brunch without a cache of outrageous dating adventures. Like that episode of Sex and the City where Carrie says over dinner to a married couple: “Hampton houseguests are always required to sing for their supper. Brokers give investment advice. Architects; design advice. Single people give married friends tidbits from their sexual escapades.” So, always be sure to let your single friend know that your friendship isn't just based on living vicariously through her. Sometimes, even single girls want to talk about things like those delicious burger recipes, too!

What Every Singleton Needs to Hear:

1. "We will always be friends—always!"

Navigating life without a man is one thing. But being without your girlfriends is excruciating. It’s easy for a single girl to worry that her BFFs will fade from the radars as their schedules fill up with weddings and pregnancies. This simple sentiment lets your single gals know you’ll always be there for them, and your marital status doesn’t change that.

2. "Nothing is ever perfect."

When it comes to love, there's the way you think it should happen, and then there's the way it actually happens. Reminding your single friend that no man/marriage/first date is flawless (and neither is she or you!) puts things in perspective. If she's truly looking for "the One," help her let go of the fairy-tale fantasy and bring her expectations back down to Earth…or just tell her to watch some Bachelorette and to grab a tub of ice cream.

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Article from 5 Things to Never Say to Your Single Friend...and 2 Things They MUST Hear on Redbookmag.com