It’s a fact that most of us have mental checklists describing the qualities of our ideal mate.
Some authors even encourage you to write these things down, to clarify your goals. This can be a useful exercise. But because I don’t want you to work too hard, I’m going to do it for you. You want someone who is:
1) Attractive
2) Honest
3) Intelligent
4) Kind
5) Funny
6) Financially Stable
This is entirely normal. Then again, you probably ALSO want someone who is:
7) Loyal
8) Family-oriented
9) Passionate
10) Generous
11) Interesting
12) Confident
Solid list, huh? Except the list gets longer when you really think about it...
13) Fit
14) Chivalrous
15) Charming
16) Ambitious
17) Sexy
18) Creative
In case you’re wondering, there is nothing wrong with this list. Except that it can keep going and going and going. For each quality you add, there’s another justifiable reason that a man is not suited for you. Maybe he’s got 17 out of 18 qualities, except he’s…
Not close with family. That’s a big one. After all, you’re tight with yours and you think it’s strange that he doesn’t enjoy spending time with his brothers every Thanksgiving.
Not confident. He’s an amazing guy, but he just tries so damn hard to please that you can’t even respect him. If he just grew a pair, he’d be perfect!
Not sexy. You know what it’s like to feel lust and you just don’t feel it with him. You can’t go the rest of your life without that chemical rush.
We can continue, of course, but I think you see the point. It’s not that any of these desires are unimportant. It’s that, no matter what, you’re ALWAYS going to find a dealbreaker. Even when you’re getting 17 out of 18 of your needs met, you’ll pick the ONE that makes you want to throw the baby out with the bathwater. It’s easy to turn everything into a dealbreaker. It’s a lot harder to forgive a date’s negative traits. Yet nothing’s more important. Nothing. Seriously, if my wife didn’t forgive a LOT of bad qualities, I could very easily be a 37-year-old single dating coach right now.
This reminds me of a question I got at a book signing for “Why You’re Still Single”. At the end, a woman challenged me about a chapter called “Tip Your Baggage Handler”: “I am a smart, strong, successful, beautiful, independent woman,” she said. “I have everything going for me. So why should I have to accept a man with baggage?”
I thought about it for a half-second, smiled, and replied, “The only reason to accept a man’s baggage… is because you want a man to accept your baggage.”
And that’s what we forget. If you’re overlooking the fact that he’s not that funny, ambitious or book smart, believe me, he’s overlooking a bunch of things, too. If everything’s a dealbreaker, it’s no surprise that it’s next to impossible to strike a deal.
Evan Marc Katz is a dating coach and the author of “Why You’re Still Single”. Learn to create your own success in dating by picking up his free eBook, “The 5 Massive Mistakes You’re Making in Your Love Life” at www.evanmarckatz.com/newsletter.html
